Their mouths touched and delight arose inside of each. They had reached what hardly anybody else dared to do – they gave up everything they had and escaped society, but worst of all, they were running against the state. Both of them knew that this couldn’t last forever, nevertheless they sucked everything out of this blissful moment. Howsoever this moment was perfect, too perfect.
They could feel that something was about to happen, it was only a matter of time until The Guard would find them and bring to an end what was prohibited and would be punished by death. It was not only their love, but something way more important. They had stolen a microchip, as large as a corn of rice, containing the power to wipe out not only cities but whole masses of land, the B13.
Lucy’s and Lara’s eyes opened again, ending this incessant moment, prepared to protect what should never be acquired by the wrong hands. The sky darkened as clouds moved in front of the sun. Even the animals around could sense it, moving fast to find shelter. Threat was close. Slowly but sure each of them rose a gun, when they gradually started to advance eastwards. They only had to make it to their base right on the other side of the lake behind them, a far way to go. It was silent, all animals had disappeared and so would they, if not suddenly out of nowhere loads of men all in black emerged in front of them. They couldn’t belong to The Guard as none of them wore the capital’s emblem, what they wanted was clear though. The girls, who had at no point ever imagined bringing it that far, were surrounded. They knew that fighting would be meaningless, there were simply too many of the others. Neither of them saw any other choice except to jump into the lake behind, even though they knew exactly what would happen if the B13 came in touch with water…
The picture I had to write about
© by Chickinator
Forestdweller
You have managed to write two very good paragraphs and one which, although well written, seems a little rushed to me. The text is full of vibrant and colourful language. You managed to grip the reader’s imagination and spark interest for your story. I would like to read more.
Now review your text and check out “something was laying in the air” and
“prohibited by death”. If you like, change the third paragraph or ax it and lengthen the others instead.
Please publish the second version right underneath in your post, so both versions are visible.
chickinator
I decided to put the more updated and “better” version onto my blog. I hope this isn’t a problem, here you can find the
First version of “B13 – Threatening occasion”:
Their mouths touched and delight arose inside of each. They had reached what hardly anybody else dared to do – they gave up everything they had and escaped society, but worst of all, they were running against the state. Both of them knew that this couldn’t last forever, nevertheless they sucked everything out of this blissful moment. Howsoever this moment was perfect, too perfect.
They could feel that something was laying in the air, it was only a matter of time until The Guard would find them and bring to an end what was prohibited by death. It was not only their love, but something way more important. They had stolen a microchip, as large as a corn of rice, containing the power to wipe out not only cities but whole masses of land, the B13.
Lucy’s and Lara’s eyes opened again, ending this incessant moment, prepared to protect what should never be acquired by the wrong hands. Guns in hands they were on the run, when suddenly not only behind, but also in front of them men in black emerged out of nowhere. The girls, who had at no point ever imagined bringing it that far, were surrounded. They had no choice except to jump into the lake behind, even though they knew exactly what would happen if the B13 came in touch with water…
Gerry
I really liked your story especially the big mysteries you keep. It´s like you feed us enough so we want more but don´t grant more to us.
Greetings Gerry
chickinator
I wonder why I did this…
ianni
You cannot do this to us. I am feeling tortured by not knowing the background of the story and what will happen when the B13 comes in contakt with the water…You could probably publish a book and use this for the prologue. I would definetly buy it:) you have my support, kisses Fanni
chickinator
I actually even thought about this for a very short moment, but I couldn’t think of all those short events happening in between the main part. Though I think that if I had the ideas I might be able to do it. It was one of the very first texts that was real FUN writing.
I’m glad you’re feeling tortured by it! 😉
Forestdweller
Surely you don’t mean to say you actually enjoyed writing…!? Hmmm….what to do about that….how about we find out whether this was a freak moment in your relationship with the written word, or whether writing will finally “grow” on you 😉
chickinator
I’m completely persuaded that this only was some sort of freak moment, but nevertheless it felt good, really good.
I guess this is because that would be a story I would read with great interest also as a book of my choice, usually you never have the freedom to write about what you want and this is something I missed all those years long. I didn’t even know that writing could be fun…
Incredible how deep education gaps can be!
ianni
Perhaps you`ll find your passion in writing…:)